Schtupid People

I am always somewhat shocked and dismayed by the social gaffes that people can commit, and often left in a state of confusion if people are really so schtupid and ignorant, or if it is all just an act, as they attempt to get a rise out of me.

I often hope for the latter, but realistically, I know that it is the former. Some people are just dyam schtupid!

Maybe if we all arrive at the same conclusion, life will be much simplier and there will be less confusion as to people's personalities and idiosyncracies. Of course, my conclusion does not explain all, but I do believe that it is a start.

Now, when someone says something Schtupid, I will no longer have the horrible ache from my jaw dropping in shock, but rather, can toss the comment over my shoulder, and simply categorise them as a Schtupid Person, and isolate myself accordingly. But, to clarify, please note that this does not necessarily apply to a Schtupid 'comment' but rather the Schtupid Person, who utters Schtupid comments without fail.

To continue my definition of the Schtupid Person, this does not denote the so-called 'uneducated', but rather someone who is just so daft, ignorant, oblivious and lacking in common sense, that they are totally incapable of redemption. There is no hope of them seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, as they are happy in their oblivion. We in turn repeatedly frustrate ourselves by continually attempting to argue, discuss or establish some form of understanding with said Schtupid Person, to no avail.

Case in point, statement (one of many!) from a former Human Resources Manager: "You would look so much better if you relaxed your hair. It is just not professional the way that you wear it."

Now, from this statement, I could have been a Schtupid Person, and focused on the complimentary aspect, the "look better" part. Does this mean that in some respects, I look OK? Or, should I have followed my natural inclination and told her about her ass, and all that it entailed? Of course, to tell her about her posterior would not have educated her in respect to her social gaffe, and I would have been conceived as ignorant. Therefore, I looked and assessed, and concluded that she was just Schtupid, and this was a final strike against her in my Schtupidity log. I would no longer interact with her on a personal level, as she would only frustrate and irritate me and I would inevitably tell her about her ass.

Therefore and hence, I patted her on the head, gave forth a condescending smile, and advised her that the little green men would soon complete their experiment with her brain. Now, I am convinced that she has logged me as a Schtupid Person in her own little pink Schtupidity book. Go Figure.

Now, where is all this coming from, you may ask? Well, today was a day fraught with schtupid comments from people that I surmised to be reasonably intelligent, and certain items have been logged against these perpetrators. It will be interesting to see if these individuals are eventually relegated to the Schtupid People category.

On that note, I shall no exit.

Out.

Afro

The War - Bim / July 26th, 1995

Biblical fiction, we were called woman,
Scorned product from the rib;
Deliberately, they constantly forget,
Persecuted for what Eve allegedy did.

Endless reality, perpetrated through song,
They constantly forget our name;
Relegated to 'cunt', 'whore', 'pussy' or 'bitch',
Endearments utilised to bring us shame.

Repugnantly categorised via the external,
We suffer profoundly, knowing not our roles;
Social revoution's developing product,
Confused to the very depths of our souls.

Liberated, a claim alledged by many,
Despite which, the revolution will remain;
They ask if we will ever be satisfied,
Ironically, a final goal to be attained.

Education, the so-called regiment of freedom,
Soldiers donning weapons to wage the endless war;
Numerous casualties resulting from battle,
Results of which, advancement has been far.

They know not what we are fighing for,
My struggle ridiculed at every turn;
Equal opportunities, respect and honour,
Elements of a constitution that we will earn.


Afro

Bim / July 26th, 1997


Out.

Weekend Wrap Up

So, once again it is back to the daily grindstone that we call work. Yippee.

I have come to realise that I detest Sundays with a passion, because Mondays are coming . Sunday is the proverbial axe that is hanging over my head, between me and that thing called Monday. The only times that I can appreciate Sundays are when Mondays are a public holiday. Then, my hatred for Mondays multiplies ten fold, because I know that Tuesday is coming.

Notice a pattern, here?

The weekend has passed without incident for me. It was a nice and quiet one. I stayed at home on Friday with a bottle of wine ...hic, DVD's and books. I read...hic...and watched TV...at my leisure. Its nice to be able to enjoy...hic...the pleasure of my own company now and again.

Saturday, I donned some dress up clothes, and chilled on the road with CM.

Manly Man that he is, we watched the Ultimate Fighting Championship thingy at a local bar. In summary, two dudes beating the crap out of each other in a cage-like environment. Initially, I figured that I could suppress my pacifist nature to enjoy the fight as a form of morbid entertainment. I even made a nice little side bet on the victor, and of course, I selected the cutie fellow.

Lawd, when they started to pummel each other in the ring, it was no longer entertaining for me. Blood spurted, and the victorious fellow (not my cutie selection!!) held the Cutie Fellow down and started to reign mighty blows indiscriminantly onto Cutie Fellow's face. The crowd in the bar were all eagerly lapping this up, and cheering loudly as each blow landed, and even shouted possible alternatives to the participants. As the Cutie Fellow was beaten to a bloody pulp, the audience was in a continued frenzy.

Isolating myself temporarily from the scene, I wondered if this is the problem with Mankind, the fact that we are all anxious to see to each other's destruction, even in the name of sport. Why must we continue to salivate at the indiscriminant shedding of each other's blood? Of course, we continue to make historical excuses for the continuation of these sports, Gladiators, Boxers, Wrestlers, etc, but it is interesting to note that even in the twentieth century, members of the lower income bracket are still being fed to the Lions, all in the name of sport and Man's continued need for bloody entertainment.

All of that pondering during three rounds, plus I lost five bucks when cutie fellow was pummelled!

On that note, I shall now exit.

Ta.

Afro

Apathy

Well, it has been another uneventful week in the daily drudery of this thing called my life, and it is sad to note that the Long Tongue Man has been the most exciting thing that has happened to me all week. Go figure.

I must do something to break the monotony.

On contemplation for the source of my restlessness and boredom, I have come to realise that in the grand scheme of things, I am a hipocrite. Yes, it was a devastating conclusion, but needless to say, I gotta keep it real.

I am always able to give a general hue and cry for the proposed injustices, and problems with the world today. I believe that it is my civic duty to vote, and to monitor the actions (or inactions) of my government representatives, but other than waking up on election day to complete this civic duty, I have done nothing. I continue to sit on my ass and bitch.

Save the Dolphins . Spay and Neuter your pets. Ban the Bomb . Recycle. All bandwagons that I have jumped on when the cause was popular. If there was a petition, I would sign it. If there was a protest, I was there. Now that I am inevitably approaching senior citizen status, the drudgery of my life consists of home and work, and the shallow bouts of entertainment that I require to keep me going, and this is no longer enough.

What have I done? What has been my contribution? I have never volunteered, especially if a charitable event should clash with my social life, or God forbid, my Saturday morning nap. I do not have a passion or drive for a particular cause, and this state of affairs cannot continue. How can I possible criticise other people's efforts, if I have made no significant contributions myself? How can we all bitch and gripe about the state of the world, if we continue to sit on our asses, selfishly immersed in the daily happenings of our own lives?

I abhor apathy in others, yet have continually refused to recognise that I am suffering from the same plight.

On that note I shall now exit.

Out.

Afro

Tongue Lashing

So, this morning, I drivin' along 'bout my business, cool, chillin' and totally mellow, listenin' to an ol' Sparrow CD in my car. You know the ol' scratchy songs with the hollow, echo-ie static ridden backgrounds? It was one 'a dem.

So I warbling along with Sparrow, in my cool and mellow mood , pulled up to a red light, easy maxin' and relaxin', pondering my day ahead, Sparrow as my guide.

As I was completing my jungle screech with Sparrow to the tune of the Congo Man, I happened to glance at the vehicle that pulled up beside me, and my eyes connected with a scruffy lookin' fellow sportin dreads, and a gold tooth smack dab in the centre of his palate. I noticed said tooth, because Mr. Man grinned laciviously at me, and the glare from the tooth almost blinded me. In retrospect, the tooth did appear to be very well kept.

Polite individual that I am, I gave him a polite and distant nod of acknowledgement, filled with the right amount of disinterest, accompanied by a slight sneer of the upper lip should he think otherwise, when to my shock and amazement, Mr. Man proceeded to stick his tongue out at me, and Lawd Gad, the tongue almost touched his chest!

Men of the world , what the is that all about??? Did I miss a memo???

Where in all that is conceivable could a man possibly think that this was sexy, attractive, or appealing and a way to get a woman's attention??? Has this ever worked??? Where in all that is holy could such a concept have been conceived???

Lawd'a mercy!!

Men of the world, hear my cry: The tongue business does not work! When you receive a scornful response to this action: WE ARE NOT PLAYING HARD TO GET!!! This is not an effective tool for gaining a woman's attention! I bid you - cease and desist! !

Mr. Man done went and spoiled my mellow mood, and worse yet, Sparrow now crooning 'bout 'licking and stickin' in the Congo Man song, and I get vex wid Sparrow too!!

My natural inclination was to exit my car, and search for a good and proper rock stone to pierce the confines of Mr. Man's car, and connect with his head back as he drove away!

Needless to say, this was a fleeting thought as I am a pacifist by nature (and a coward), and hunting rocks in a bush would do some serious damage to my new shoes and my dignity in mid morning traffic, therefore I had a split second to contemplate some form of retalitory action, to counter Mr. Man's display. To piss me off even further, I knew that Mr. Man done gone 'bout his business, and I am the furthest thing from his mind, whilst I am left behind, vex and irate!

I dug deep into the spiteful recesses of my mind (all whilst pondering his neck-back as he drove away), dug out my trusty cell phone and made a call.

On that note, I shall leave all in suspense, for fear that I shall implicate myself in any actions involving the possible abuse of government resources.

On a totally unrelated matter, I feel that it is my civic duty to assist in the promotion of a wonderul Drunk Driving Hotline initiated by the RCIP some years back, for which I have seen no further promotions for the past two years.

This Hotline is accessed by dialing *DD on your cell phone, in the event that you are ever navigating the perilous streets of the Cayman Isands, and should ever encounter a drunk driver, or a suspected drunk driver. Just provide the nice RCIP officer with the license plate number of the suspected perpetrator, and general direction of that they are heading, and they will take it from there. The call is strictly anonymous, though you may provide your name and details, should you so desire. Let us come together to eradicate drunk driving and it possible fatal consequences.

Having fulfilled my civic obligation for the day, I shall now exit.

Ciao.

Afro.

Happenings on the Rock

So, all kinda happenings on the little rock over the weekend. The newspaper was actually teeming with information today, full of hot topics.

I have always considered the Monday editions of the newspaper to be redundant, as everyone on the island has had the news by Sunday. The only things that are fresh for the Monday publications are the comics. I love Curtis!

So Dr. Frank McField, prominent forever-campaigning politician that he is, was arrested and charged with offences ranging from disorderly conduct to assaulting a police officer.

Gasp ! It was even alleged that he used...obscene language!

Shoud these allegations be true, aren't they positively scandalous???

Lawd, I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall when this alleged incident went down, as I am sure that it would have been very entertaining indeed . I actually caught the news clip of him being led to court on CITN, and it was quite hilarious. TI still feel seh they could'a clean the man up a little, even arrange for his significant other to bring in a suit, so that he could don a John Gotti look. After all, he is a public figure!

Needless to say, perhaps Dr. Frank was conducting a sociological study entitled: "Police Officer who kick ass when aggravated". Who knows, he could also be taking his continued campaign back to the Grass Roots.

Be that as it may, I shall now endeavor not to miss the next episode of Public Eye , Dr. Frank’s political infomercial, as I would love to see how he will play this one off! Personally, I had never farted on the program before, but he has now effectively gained my attention!

But, if Bill Clinton could avoid possible impeachment (I say tongue in cheek – no pun intended! ), I’m sure that Dr. Frank can put a positive spin on such a scandalous “affair”, and resolve it in the court of public opinion. I have no doubt that he will be up and running for the next elections, with issues such as police brutality at the forefront of his political platform .

I would even recommend that he sit under the tree in front of the Glass House as Dr. Luarca did, and protest the blatant abuses to his person . I also undertand that there is also a vacancy on the Human Rights Committee that they are eager to fill . Maybe he should give Alden a call?

I need say no more on this issue.

So, young gal took a batch of ganja brownies to school , and fed them to some of her classmates, who subsequently became ill and had to seek medical attention.

Lawd a mercy, this one is scary. Rendered me totally flabbergasted, and I did not even know where to start. One thing that comes to mind is the need to bring back the belt in the schools, as someone needs to dole out a good ol' fashioned bitch slap at some point.

Of course, we can regress to the old sociological explanations, examine the home, pat her on the head two times and get her some counseling , but had she offered the goods to my child, I know that I would be marching across town to dole out the aforementioned slap.

But, the state of affairs being what they are, young miss would probably kick my ass, and I would be no better off.

On that note, I shall now exit.

Out.

Afro

Ol' Fart

So, I can no longer deny it. Facts are facts. The I an’ I getting ol’.

Back in the day, I could wake up in the wee hours of the morning, run five miles; scale two mountains; play 5 sets of volleyball, then get up and party ‘til the wee hours of the morning. I would wake up, and repeat the process the next day.

Now, I can’t even walk up a flight of stairs without abject pain.

Back in the day, I was the life of the party, ‘bumping and grin’in’’ with the best of them, wining down and touchin’ my toes, and singing that ol refrain, “no, no I ain’t goin’ home”.

Now, it hurts when I jump and wave, and I can’t bend down. Oh for the dear ol’ chippin’ Calypso songs! Where are they? Machel, I love you, but I can’t keep up!!

Back in the day, I could lime and hang out wit the best of them, lolling about on a sidewalk, eating jerk chicken after a fete, talking crap till the wee hours, sleeping for two hours, go to work semi-drunk, then run my five miles and scale my mountain after work.

Now, jerk chicken gives me heartburn. Lawd.

Now, the music that constantly resounds in my ear is the sound of my knees cracking as I walk. A trip to the gym is completed with a screw face, cuz the ol’ body jus’ tiyad. The thought of running automatically make my arthritic knees swell, when the ol’ brain communicates the possibility to the joints.

I have stared to play indoor five a side football with a women’s team (Lady Lions: Roar!!), and my preparation for each game is threefold:

1) Rub down the ol’ knees with Tiger Balm .
2) Pop two pain killers before the game, because the ol’ joints will need them.
3) Trusty ice pack on hand for icing the ol’ knees after the game, as swelling is inevitable.

I walk around my office like a geriatric, and the thought of bending for a file or getting up from my chair are all carefully thought out before hand. No more spontaneous movement for me!

The elevator is my friend. I am yawning by 9:00PM. The ol’ back aches, and I cannot understand that Rap stuff or the hard core reggae that has taken over the air waves. In terms of the new dances, I can still do the Bogle. The Butterfly is out because it hurts my knees. I do not know the ‘raindrop’ the ‘car-crash’, the ‘eye-blink’ the ‘fart’ or any of the other Post-Bogle dances that have now invaded our pop culture. Lawd.

Did I mention that Tiger Balm is now my friend? Forget products such as Icy Hot and Bio Freeze, and get back to the rootsy side with good ol’ Tiger Balm . When I feel and ache coming on from the change of weather, I pick up my trusty Tiger Balm, and burn the ache out. My new scent is ‘Eau de Tiger Balm’. Forget the expensive perfumes, and know that Tiger Balm will be the new Dior. I could do a commercial for Tiger Balm. When that sucker is rubbed in, you can feel the burn all the way to the marrow, and live to fight another day.

Lawd. Sigh. Back in the day.

I find it easier to confess my newfound revelation, as I have heard similar laments from my peers, when we hole up in a corner and reflect. Please note that said reflection is not as profound without a beer in hand . I am not alone.

But, despite the cracking swollen knees, the aching back and the geriatric smell of Tiger Balm I will continue to fight the good fight and endeavor to start a new movement!!! I will strive to make my thirties the new twenties!! Cracking knees will be ‘cool’, and will be showcased at Talent Competitions! Young nubile individuals will envy my cracking knees, and the sweet rhythms resounding from them as I chip along my merry way, beer bottle in hand! I come equipped with my own percussion band!!

I will continue with my Eau de Tiger Balm, and will inevitably make this scent the new Channel No. 5! The only way to beat them is to program them! I will not go down without a fight!

Viva La Revolution!!!

On that note, I shall now exit.

'Ta

'Fro

Eye Candy

Ladies of the world unite! Men of the world - read on!

....Nice tan line, huh?

I digress...

As an equal opportunity feminist, I am tired of being bombarded by scantily clad wenches, hawking every product from cars to shampoo, as I channel surf and read a magazine. I am tired of viewing scantly clad wenches strewn accross concert posters and flyers; I am tired of the bouts of gratuitous feminine nudity, unrelated to the plot of an otherwise interesting flick! I have had enough! Oooosssaaa....ooossssaaaa.... My apologies. I had to temporarily focus on the tan line in order to properly reaquaint myself with the topic at hand.

As I was saying...

There was hope for us when Mel Gibson (pre DUI and Anti-Semetic arrest ) bared his butt in Bird on a Wire ; Denzel bared his ass-ets and won an Oscar, and it was quite worth it! Will Smith's ass action in I Robot was tantalising though insufficient! What of the Chippendale's male revue back in the 80's and 90's, which has now aparently fallen by the way side?

Is there a shortage of exemplary male asses in Hollywood and popular advertising agencies? Is the concept of a male stunt ass totally unheard of? We are bombarded by breasts of all sizes, shapes and colours, so what about the male ass and penile work??? Some gratuitous penile action???

Well...maybe not. There is something innately jokey about the penis in isolation, added to the possible comparisons and inadequacies associated with length, girth etc., therefore I can understand the nature of man's insecurities should this concept catch on. No more Blockbuster flicks for Tom Cruise if this were to happen !!

Butt...(and I do mean "butt" ), is it not then obvious that black men would dominate Hollywood, and more Oscars would be doled for men of colour??? See where I am going with this? Need I remind the men of the world, those who seek to deprive me of my possible viewing pleasure (inclusive of a good giggle) that D'Angelo is now a Superstar and was nominated for 4 MTV music awards for his video and song...Untitled (How Does It Feel)? Let us pause for a moment of silence, in tribute to that rock hard body; chiselled chest; 24 pack abs, and some amazing camera work that employed the power of suggestion, and had me craning my neck to look into the bottom (no pun intended) of the TV screen.

I need say no more.

With this in mind, men should assist in the good fight for some male gratuitous nudity, enforcing my bid to promote the female's right to ogle, lust and to recommend the need or possibility for a penile enhancer to our significant others. Men, this is our opportunity to put an end to the 'sidekick' roles that are constantly passed on to your coloured counterparts! It is therefore in your best interests to assist us in putting and end to this double standard. Help us, for your greater good!

Women of the world, let us no longer accept the mediocre man going to pot in his old age, with the ablity to trade us in for a younger model! Let us band together to giggle at the pot bellies; let us sing Lady Saw's refrains in harmony, as we subtly use the media to implant and reinforce the need for the gym, hair and penile implants in our men! Let us band together to let our men know that D'Angelo is the only standard that we will accept, unatainable though it may be.

Butt, they gotta have a goal, as we have surrendered ourselves to the cut of the knife for bigger breasts; elaborate weaves for longer hair; burnt scalps for relaxed hair, in an impossible bid to emulate our counterparts who are constantly, strewn across cars in bikinis, as a measure of appealing to a baser man's need for visual stimulation.

On that note, I shal now exit, fist raised in protest.

Out.

Humility

Self praise is no praise at all. An age old adage that my mother has slapped me with from the dawn of time.

So, is the notion of Humility obsolete? Though, in answering this fundamental question, one should not confuse 'Humility' with false modesty or false pride.

I do believe that Humility as a notion or as a practice is somewhat obsolete, especially when viewing something as mundane as a personal web page. I have now succumbed to the temptation of subscribing for a personal Hi-5 Account, after being inundated with what appeared to be 1000 requests to join, flooding my inbox day after day.

As I digress...

Is this what it's all about? Blatant self promotion? Is this how we put our best foot forward? What is the ultimate objective? On viewing some of the entries, I almost felt like a voyeur, intruding on someone's privacy. But, que sera sera.

Humility. I do so hate a braggart (Note to self: Add this to my list of Pet Peeves). I love someone who is comfortable with their talents or lack thereof, and is humble enough to say so. I love someone who is able to say "I do not know how to do that", and exudes utter confidence in saying so. To me, this is the epitome of confidence.

Confidence is knowing your own capabilities, and being able to shut up about it. Though, ironically, can the lack of Humility explain the reason for my sitting here and expounding on the wonders of Humility, and its absence from everyday life?

But, that is another topic.

On that note, I shall now exit.

'Ta

'Fro