So, I was working out in the gym this morning, when a gal entered, who had singlehandedly provided me with one of the most disturbing experiences of my life, an experience that still affects me to this very day.
Ironically, she has no idea how she had affected me, as she prances along her merry way, going about that thing that she calls her life. I had no idea who she was when the incident occurred, where she was from, or why she picked me as her target. We had never had a reason to cross paths, and maybe if we did, I could rationalise her actions somewhat. But, it aint so.
I was playing in a local volleyball tournament, and prior to the start of my next game, I took a well needed bathroom break. As I was attending to my business, a group of girls entered the bathroom, giggiling and chatting in the way of females enjoying each others' company. I peeked under the stall, noting shoes and activity, making no effort to hide my presence, and they made no effort to subdue their conversation.
In the midst of their conversation, red-shoe girl made a comment as to how #10 for a local team was "sooooo ugly". Yes, she stressed the 'sooooo', as if this was an observaton that came from the heart, and she proceed to elaborate as to said ugliness.
My heart thumped in my chest and my pee dried up, as I realised that I was the #10 that played for said team. I remained trapped in the stall as they completed their primping and conversation, and eventually left.
I was devastated. The comments were so malicious, nonchalant and irrational, that they struck to the very core of my being. I can still remember the impact of those words, and it is a moment that I can never forget. Confronting the hags to shame or embarass them had not been an issue, at the time, as shock and hurt rendered me immobile.
Eventually, I exited the stall, almost robatic in my movements and returned to my tournament. I was eventually able to put a face to red-shoe girl, during the course of the tournament, and in my heart of hearts, I knew that she was the 'ugly' one, possessing a raw, vicious and wicked personality, but this still could not cure the wound to my inner core. One can rationalise and explain all or the variables, but this does not cure the impact to the heart. I discussed the episode with my best friends, and of course, they offered me the necessary plattitudes, were indignant on my behalf, etc etc, but I have never forgotten, and it still hurt.
After that day, I saw said young miss everywhere that I went. She was constantly in my face, affecting my psyche, building my resentment, and I knew that she had no notion of the impact that she had had on me. I doubted that she even remembered me. I vindictively plotted her demise - not physically, but mentally - as I wanted to teach her a lesson, on the care that should be taken, when using the spoken word. To this day, I know that this was an impossible undertaking, as she turned out to be an ignorant, shallow, skanky, war mongering hag, all of which I learned from my observations of her. This type of person could not be educated, nor can they ever see the error of their ways.
Since that fateful day, I have made a conscious effort to eradicate the word 'ugly' from my vocabulary, and use it only in the context of inanimate objects and disgusting personalities. This is also a lesson that I attempt to impart on my son, and I live in hope that the lesson will stick. I have made a conscious effort to take care when using the spoken word, always remembering the hurt that I felt when those words were directed at me. "Sticks and stones...etc...," that's a load of crap. Words can hurt ten times over. I do thank the little trollop for the lesson learned, and I know that I am a better person for it. My friends laugh and scoff at my inability to say the word withought cringing, or roll their eyes when I lecture them for being irresponsible when they making indiscriminate comments about a persons physical features, but this is something that I am adamant will not be changed.
On a more shallow note, the vindictive side of me has not been appeased, as I am happy to report that said miss is no longer the nubile, swanky diva; the life of the party; the non-selective man eater. She now mash up and haggard from a hard life of partying, drinking and bed hopping, and is bordering on obese. This appeals to the vindictive side of me, as we crossed paths in the gym, and a sinister smirk crossed my face. She actually offered me a tentative smile, knowing not that I wished her ill. Ha. Jus' wait 'til I strike up a conversation. I am going to systematically destroy her, all in the guise of 'aquaintanceship', and goodwill. I goin' cut her down with a smile, each word a sharp barb to pierce the very core of her being, all spoken in the name of friendship and jest.
I will use her as my own little morbid psychological experiment; the green petrie dish, as I catalog the innumerable insecurities that I will impart during casual conversation. Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer, even if they know not what they did.
This is my yin and yang - A spiteful, vindictive, tactful, diplomatic wench. Screw that turn the other cheek crap. Never said I was perfect.