Wednesday, August 06, 2008

Bend It Like Mommy

So, I am a failure as a mother. Yep. There are no redeeming qualities in my attempt to adequately fulfill this very important role, and I don’t know if I should call social services at this point and just concede. Mek them come and tek the chil’ from me now.

This morning, as Sonny was getting ready to go to camp, I was at the end of my rope. He did absolutely nothing that he was supposed to do, and made me shout, snap, snarl, and repeat myself continually, as his procrastination was making me late for work. Albeit, I am late for work every morning but on my own volition, and it frustrated me to no end that this young upstart was interfering with my morning schedule.

Then, horrors of horrors, after tossing a particularly acerbic reprimand in his general direction, accompanied by a particularly heinous threat, he stalked off, and my keen sense of hearing picked up the following muttered words “Old peoples’ home…so miserable…”.

Now, I have no idea what the intermittent phrases were and the rage and smoke coming out of my ears hindered all other audible measures. My gasp of outrage must have given him some clue as to the clear and present danger, for the obnoxious little twit turned around swiftly, with a look of panicked astonishment on his face, and took off.

I now recollect the entire episode in slow motion. As I moved, he disappeared in a cloud of panic. The expensive high heeled shoe somehow appeared in my hand, as he bent the corner, and I released after taking angered aim at his head. I then stood back in smug expectation and waited…and waited…and watched in stunned awe as my shoe hit the wall, and fell lifelessly to the floor. Nothing. My jaw dropped, and from then on, my entire day was shot. I almost keeled over on the floor in tears, as a dry wail built up within my throat, begging for release. Sonny’s smug little snicker at having escaped did not help matters any.

See, as a chil’, I can remember many an episode when mi mudda would launch a projectile at me, my bruddas or sisters, her aim and rage to such an extent that the projectiles would bend corners. We were slippery little buggers, yet, my brothers still bears scars on the back of their heads, and let’s not mention the time that one stopped smugly around the corner to gloat, and the shoe subsequently followed to chop him in his forehead. As a bratty younger sister, I still recall that episode in gleeful satisfaction.

As a mother, I have perfected the required parenting phrases:

“…Because I said so!”
“Don’t let me come up there!”
“Shut up you mouth and eat your food!”

Many of the above have been bawled to my chagrin, as subsequently I realized that I was turning into mi mudda, sans the menopause and gray hairs. At least, not yet.

And now, this essential rite of passage for the Caribbean mother…the proverbial “Bend It Like Mummy” and I have failed miserably. I am such a loser! How can my Sonny recount the episodes to his own kin about the times that his Mudda shoe bent the corner to lace him good and proper?

I mean, my grandparents and parents alike have all passed down these sagas that are legendary to their respective tribes, and now, I have nothing. The one grandchild in my family, and I have essentially killed a critical family skill. My son will have no bend-corner-pop-head stories to relay. And don’t tell me that I should try again. I am scarred.

And on that pathetic note, I shall now exit.

Ta ta...
'Fro.


Ginger








10 comments:

Mad Bull said...

Cho, is just a little practice you need. Try again. Did you put on your glasses? (* snicker *) ;)

Mighty Afroditee said...

^^Hardy, har, har. Laff at me during my time of crises!

ingridspeak said...

Lady the problem is not that you are a failure, but that you lack the appropriate amount of practice. Work on it and keep trying. I have only one child and it took me a little longer to hon that all important parenting skill than my counterparts with several rugrats. You'll get and when you do it will wipe that smug little smirk off his face. Good luck and may the force be with you!

Mighty Afroditee said...

Ah, Ingrid. That is reassuring! Now that you mention it, mi mudda have 5 chillun, and so she had nuff time to practice! I never thought of it that way. Thought it would be genetically imbedded or something....

Abeni said...

Yes girl,practice makes perfect. My mother never missed either and added to that she sent us for the belt which she used liberally...sigh

Jdid said...

yes at least dont fail in the sending for belt category or ya well pathetic :-)

i think you need to start some rocky like training for the bending skills. hit the gym, hit the running trails, hit de chile.

tell ya what. set up a dummy chile ad practice when no one looking. practice letting go the projectile on the run, practice diving and letting go the projectile, practice with shoe, slipper, anything that handy.

then if things still brown send us a video of the practice sessions and we will take a look and give you some advice. could just be something as simple as ya cockin the wrist wrong, or ya aint following through properly or ya holding the shoe by the wrong edge.

this ting is a science ya kno

Will said...

i'm with jdid - practice practice practice... maybe you may want to invest in a boomerang??? i hear those things are ace at bending corners - so you can start with that and progress up... perhaps you can tie a disembodies shoe heel to it...

something you may not have considered: did your mother use high helled shoes??? cos it could be the shoe you're using... and the height of the heel may have something to do with it as well... i'm just sayin'...

ah the joys of parenthood...

Will said...

ps - ignore the typos... i'm so embarrassed...

Mighty Afroditee said...

@Jdid: You know, I am becoming more and more comfy with the notion. Mummy also indicated that its all in the wrist, and I need more practice. But, notwithstanding the brilliant advice that you have offered up, I cant help but feel seh u would want the video to have a raucous laff at my expense. Highly suspect.

Will: Welcome to my world. And, the boomerang notion??? Absolutely brilliant!! In fact, witht he boomerang, I cn prolly get repeated releases that can catch the likkle bugger off guard during my ire. Even use it as a lasso to bring him to me, to subsequently use it to cut his tail!

Tee hee...all this advice. It's really tekkin a village to raise a chil'!!! Unnu dole out punishment advice so good, I goin' soon sen' roun' the collection plate for college tuition.

Ruthibelle said...

LOL. My you are a smart one!!