Thursday, July 24, 2008

Sex, Lies, Videotape...and Email

So, I received a scandalous and scintillating email the other day, which contained pictures of a loving group of people, possibly resident on Island, engaged in lewd and licentious acts that are illegal in most countries.

The pics featured girl on girl action; guy on girls; guy on girl; girls on girls, and randomly sprawled body parts prominently featured as head-liners for the circus presentation (pun intended!).

I viewed the pics with curious objectivity whilst trying to get an accurate account of the parties involved in the ménage-ten, as well as to try to figure out the hows and whereforths of the camera operation. Who took the pics? Did they draw straws? Did each volunteer to take a turn as photographer out of a sense of fair play? Kudos to them! What team spirit!

I eventually gave up, for the time and effort that it was taking to figure out the fornicating human puzzle was actually making me cross eyed.

An acquaintance of mine was recently caught up in this new sex-pic hoopla, when she and she fellow decided to take some pics to commemorate a sexual interlude. Turns out that she was a good girl who made very poor decisions in her choice of men and artistic medium, for the fellow then turn ‘round and uploaded the pics to the internet in a fit of spite. Reminds me of that age old adage: “…when your friends become your foe, out into the world your secrets go…”


When she and I now cross paths, the conversation is…awkward. She thinking: “Does she know?” Me thinking: “Yeah, I know. Do I acknowledge, and say that it’s okay?” Feet scuffling awkwardly, smiles and conversation stilted, we are both very glad to part ways.

This entire trend has gots me pondering as to why in this technological and scandalous age, people involved in bedroom peccadilloes feel the need to document the process. Scintillating thrill? Not only must this require a great deal of trust (or stupidity), but are there not other factors to consider, such as a lost or stolen phone, camera or computer? Circumstances could allow strangers to be all up in your business, circulating intimate pics, intended to be private.

Lawd, suppose you dead and gone, and yu’ fambily sorting out yu belongings, and come across yu scandalous sex pics? I can see it now, Sonny looking at his mommy nekkid, and getting a bird’s eye view as to how he was possibly conceived. Lawd, I would be responsible for pushin’ mi pickney into an early grave, whilst turnin’ over in mine!

That being said, due to the proliferation of this particular trend, I have done some research, and collated the following tips (in no particular order) for anyone who should decide to engage:

One: Do not show your face


Two:
Do not show any distinguishing features, or marks, such as tattoos, scars, tooth decay, piercings, moles… remember, the mole issue worked out in R. Kelly’s favour.


Three:
After the scintillating thrill has passed, whilst ruminating in post-coital bliss, sit together and delete the photos. Delete the SIM card if necessary. Mash up the phone/camera as well, if this will give you further comfort. I could even take this further to suggest death and dismemberment, but, I will leave this here.


Four:
Make sure that the picture-taking is reciprocal. He and she, not just of 'she' or vice versa. (If the parties involved are 'he and he', or 'she and she', that’s all ya' business, but, you get the gist.)


Five:
Women, further to point four, in the event that he does betray you, please note that you are now in a position to air brush the pics in your possession, diminishing his girth and width, and forwarding to relevant parties as desired, with the title “Pee Wee”. You could even superimpose a sheep or other farm animal into the picture if need be. (Please note that this is just a suggestion. The author does not condone such behaviour.)


Six:
In the event that you should get caught up with the bedroom paparazzo, and chose to discard points 1 through 5, please ensure that you suck in your stomach, and that your ‘sex face’ does not look like Leona Helmsley or Tammy Fay Baker. This would not photograph well. In the event that your sex pics does circulate whether by accident or design, you do not want to be made to look like a laughing stock.

On that very helpful note, I shall now exit.


Ta ta...



'Fro.


Ginger








13 comments:

Abeni said...

Ha..Fess up fro, those instructions were too detailed.You have crossed over and made your scintiallting sex tapes:)

MS CUTE PANTS said...

LOL I love that you went out on a limb and actually put up instructions. Are you sure you've never been 'caught on tape', cause these are mighty helpful, insightful, not to mention funny!

gishungwa said...

LOL this crazy world there is no way am doing sex-pic/vid for future reference/research klest i run for presidency and this ish comes out.
Lmao @ family finding the photos, you dead anyway too late!

Mighty Afroditee said...

@ 'beni and Cutie Pants: I ain't fessin' up to nuttin'. Jus' know...if you have to ask, then maybe I did a great job, and took my own advice....Tee hee...

Maybe it really wasn't Paris Hilton after all....

@Gish: Yeah. I goin' be dead, but lawd, I really dont want my Mommy to see me doing the dirty deed. I know I goin' hear she screech, and feel her wrath, even in the afterlife...

Stunner said...

I have to ask even though Abeni hinted at it. Is this advice coming from a pro? LOL!

mad bull said...

I love your advice still! LOL

mad bull said...

BTW, how come I never get sent these videos and pictures. I must have become unpopular nuh baxide!

Leon said...

That friend of yours was too naive. A friend of mine got caught in the same thing. I would love to talk to her, but it feels so awkward talking to her nowadays.

Brotha Buck said...

I've seen the stuff ... in places ... and I've often wondered if the women knew their boyfriends had uploaded them.

Jdid said...

forward all lewd photos to
wait ya naa have my email address yet. cho man!

by the way those are great rules. I still dont get why people think that in this connected age thoe photos wont get out. We really are getting stupider as a people with each technological advancement. Common sense nuh common

Simply Me said...

LOL. Hilarious instructions. I've taken them for fun before... Then they got deleted right after. Me have shame!

Simply Me said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mighty Afroditee said...

Simply You: Welcome to my world, and for admitting that you have done it, and applied a no-nonsense approah as well. That shd prove to the speculators above that the advice is common sense, and as in no way incriminates me! Hmprh. They are sooo scandalous.