A Christmas Letter To Santa...

Dear Santa,

I know you probably wondering why I writing yuh one day after Christmas
but after opening mi present dem yestiday, I just had was to write yuh.
Santa, mi was a very good girl all year round. Mi listen to mi madda
when she talk to mi and mi help out wid di chores dem round de house. Mi
even help di neighba pickney dem do fi dem chores tuh. One day mi all
help out di old crasses Mr. George, the blind an cripple one, crass the
road when di odda children dem just ah watch him an dida tek gamble pon
what kind of cyar did ah go lick him dung. Santa, dem just lef him deh
fi dead, but mi help him out.

Santa mi studied real hard in school this year, so hard till mi all come
fuss inna di class. Mi mek it mi duty to be nice and not naughty Santa.
Mi was so good. Ah real good girl Santa. Santa when mi write mi
Christmas list to yuh dis year, mi ask yuh fi a Barbie princess doll, ah
Barbie kitchen, ah Dora the Explorer computer game, ah cyabbage patch
doll and ah monopoly game.

So Santa, how the blood claat after reading mi list yuh leave under di
Christmas tree ah phukking light up yo-yo, one plastic tea-cup set and
ah phukking no name dolly dat look like she have polio and ah dead from
AIDS?

Santa is either yuh blind or yuh cyah blood claat read!!! Every year mi
say mi woulda stop believing in yuh and like ah dyam fool mi always give
yuh ah next chance, but not ah phukking-gain, yuh hear mi Santa? Not a
bloodclaat. Yuh hear whe mi sah Santa? Yuh phukking fat red rass yuh.

Yuh see all nex year, yuh betta dont try squeeze yuh big fat batty thru
mi louvres dem, because Santa mi swear mi going phukk yuh up. It going
to be mi, yuh and dis sharp blood claat knife, so mi can jukk yuh inna
yuh belly.

Yuh hear mi sah? Mi ah go stab up yuh Bloodcaat.

Imagine, yuh give that likkle cock eye gyal Sally from crass di road
everything that she ax fah. So much so dat she all nuh have nuh room fi
walk round she house.

Yuh see all nex year Santa, mi will be back to mi good old self. Dat's
right Santa. Mi naar go giv mi madda nuh trouble or cause nuh havoc
roun'ere . And Santa, a goin wait pon you patiently.... mi goin wait pon
yuh paitently with ah big blood claat rock stone fi yuh backside.

And den when yuh and dem blasted reindeer dat favour some dyam
oversize goat wid tree branch ah grow otta dem head top, com ho-ho hoing

down pon I old rusty zinc nex Christmas..... BOOP!!!!! Is one rass lick inna yuh
blood claat head.

Santa mi goin' done yuh blood claat, Memba dat yuh hear Santa. Try Memba
dat!!

Love

Likkle Keisha